The Deterioration of my Brain

Mothers laugh among themselves about the loss of brain cells, increased forgetfulness, and borderline mental instability that occurs to varying degrees of severity after the birth of each child. Women without children or moms of just one "perfect child" roll their eyes and snicker about us "crazy moms" and silently tick off impossible ways in which they could do it better, often based on what they read in books or saw on the most recent episode of Super Nanny. Husbands and fathers have learned not to roll their eyes, snicker, or even let on that they notice any change at all due the mental instability factor. I don't need to see science behind it, because I know it to be true.
I was normal once. I had one perfect child once. I could pitch the sale and close the deal all day long, then head home to my perfect child and prepare dinner for my family and the neighbor each night. I even had a rockin' body, void of stretch marks, that effortlessly bounced right back into shape after the birth of my perfect child. I literally had no qualms or hesitations about having another baby. I entertained the same ideological fantasies the snickering women do. I was caught completely off guard.
Again, I don't care what the science says, I only know my experience. My experience was that, with the birth of my second child, I was lobotomized. Every functioning brain cell I possessed prior to Lola's conception was given to Lola on July 7, 2007. She was born smarter than me. She acquired all of my knowledge and firing synapse, her dad's physical strength, and our combined determination. I was defeated before the game began. Lola was like a nuclear detonation within my brain, and the initial fallout period lasted for 6 months postpartum and looked like this:
Charlie (my perfect child) was late to morning kindergarten. Every. Single. Day. And, once, I forgot to pick her up and she sat in the elementary school office for nearly an hour until my brain finally solved for the nagging, anxious feeling in my gut.
Charlie missed 6 months of weekly girl scout meetings and cookie sale outings, resulting in my personally purchasing nearly $300 worth of cookies and Charlie not returning to Brownies the next fall. Charlie also missed nearly all of her cheer leading practices, resulting in her being one step behind everyone on her cheer squad until she finally just sat down on the court and traced the lines on the hardwood with her index finger talking quietly to herself.
I was depressed. I wrote myself reminders that I lost. I wrote myself reminders to read my previous reminders, which I lost.
Mundane tasks such as cooking dinner for my family became daunting. I would grocery shop for dinner, have it started on the stove and be missing ingredients that I 'forgot' while grocery shopping or lost somewhere between the checkout and my kitchen. I would then scrap dinner, throw a tantrum, and order pizza.
Today, nearly five years and two additional children later, I still exhibit symptoms including memory loss- long term and short term, disorganization, perpetual procrastination, subtle mood swings accompanied by the occasional meltdown, high aspirations/ low productivity, and love handles.
Last year, Charlie's 4th grade year, was a milestone year for me. It was the first year that Mrs. Barron, the school's secretary, didn't call me every day (no exaggeration) to tell me that I had forgotten to pack Charlie a lunch.
I don't want to use my children as an excuse for unacceptable behavior, poor habits or chronic laziness. I am willing to do anything to recapture my mind and take back my body. Vitamins, exercise, Ginko Biloba, crossword puzzles. Give it to me! I am willing to put in the work... if I can remember.
Until then, I have this blog. Here is where I will input as much as I can before my mind erases it forever. I am tired of my kids and husband asking, "Really!? You don't remember that?" I hate looking back and thinking, "Which child said that inappropriate remark that one time at that one place with those people watching?" I have spent hours staring at my children trying to memorize what they look like on any given day- the curve of their nose- the blue of their eyes, how they pronounce 'cookie' like 'tookie' (That's Jasper, by the way...), or the sound of each child's bare feet or knees slapping on the hardwood floor. But I do forget.
I refuse to forget anymore. I will remember.
I will remember that Charlie can find value in anything and turn garbage into art. That Lola runs everywhere she goes and holds your belongings hostage in Monster Jail. That Jasper has an imaginary pet named Mr. Pettibone who lives in her hat. And that Vera playfully shakes her head no, no matter the context, and giggles when you shake your head at her. I will remember all of this because of this blog. And someday, I will say to my husband and my girls, "Really!? You don't remember that?" and I will roll my eyes and snicker.